The Power of No

One of the best compliments I’ve ever received was that I’m the queen of boundaries. Direct quote. That person was referring to work and the way I handle business. That was a lesson I learned from a former colleague of mine years ago who noticed I was saying YES to every extra task, opportunity, etc. and eventually my hard work, flexibility and eagerness to do all of the things turned into “Brandi will do it.” I was being taken advantage of and my availability to step up and do the things was now being taken for granted. She sat me down and said if I don’t start saying no I’ll lose the respect from my superiors, colleagues and will be sending the signal that this behavior is okay. Because when you start to always be available and always give in to unreasonable requests/demands, it’s harder to set boundaries. It’s like in a relationship. Once you show someone they can speak/do/treat you a certain way, you are opening the flood gates to absolute havoc. So the next time someone asked me to do something extra, or to help them do something that wasn’t my responsibility or wasn’t going to affect me in a positive way or benefit me professionally- I told them, “let me see if I have the bandwidth and resources this week and I’ll get back to you.” Even just giving myself the power of pause and not immediately answering with a “yes,” allowed me to step back and assess what I was giving my time, talents and energy to.

Now let’s talk about the power of no when it comes to relationships, platonic and the like. I feel like now that I have a family this one is easier but when I was single I rarely said yes to a random after work happy hour because for me that time was for recharging and doing my own thing. I’m also not a bring drinker, don’t like spending money on things that have no meaningful purpose and I also didn’t want to hang out with people I just spent 8 hours with to be honest-even though I love them!!! I reserved friend time for weekends but during the week that time was for me. Now that I’m married with two babies, weekends are always for family so that means when we make decisions about what we want to do, we check in with each other before we commit. We keep a family calendar via google so everything goes in there. We still do things without each other on the weekend, of course but for the most part it is reserved for us. And by us I mean us four. I do not feel obligated to celebrate every extended family member’s birthday or attend an event just cause family will be there. You do not gain access to my family and our energy field just because we are related.

This leads me to not accepting every invite we get. The idea that I could have every weekend for the rest of the summer/fall/winter/year booked already with no room for rest or spontaneity is absolutely nauseating. Don’t get me wrong-I love to plan and have things to look forward to but when you are on the go non-stop it leaves no space for reflection, introspection, instinct and the ability to go with the flow when the moment finds you. Feels so robotic to me to know what I’m doing every day or weekend until the end of time. Depressing actually! I also have big feelings on being busy just to be busy but that’s for another blog post. Friends say this will change when Milly starts going to elementary school and we get an invitation for every classmate’s birthday but I don't think so. I’m all about choices especially when it comes to my children and they will be able to choose based on what we have planned already or what our weekend will look like that week. And I think especially because my children are under 18 I still ultimately have the ability to decide where we spend our time and what situations or experiences my children are apart of.

Living with intention is something I strive for in many aspects of my life, our life. The power of no gives you so much freedom to say yes, yes to only things you really want to do, yes to what truly pours life into your soul. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to safeguard your space, conserve energy where it is meant to be and treasure life’s amazing gifts! I’d love to know what you think about this and how you determine if things are right for you. Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you save days just for doing nothing? I’d love to get into it so leave me a comment on my latest IG post and let’s chat!